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February 28th, 2006
01:34 am - cant you see its more productive, than if i were happy?
I feel like there has to be something I am doing wrong. This isn't normal--I get fucked over every time. Maybe I only perceive myself as the one who's gettin fucked over? Maybe I'm projecting my faults onto others? Maybe I'm afraid or just unwilling to take the blame?
I ask my friends what I am doing wrong, and all I get are the usual sympathetic friend answers. "You dodged a bullet, man." "I got a bad feeling about her anyways." "You're better off." However, the fact that I am drinking myself to sleep every night, I vary wildly between overeating and starvation, and my tendency towards self destruction in general make me think otherwise. Cyndi thinks I secretly like conflict. Maybe I do? There is something grotesquely romantic about Cursive's "The Ugly Organ" or Weezer's "Pinkerton", which are most likely my two most favorite albums, ever.
I feel like theres some chance that maybe I'm playing the role of the martyr as Cursive describes it... "screaming those agonies, playing the saint". My friend would tell me if it was my fault, right? Seriously though, I wouldn't tell Nick or John if it was their faults, and I wouldn't even know. They only know what I tell them. Do I present the story objectively? I don't know. Their tendency as my two best friends is of course to side with me. How can I expect truthfulness and objectivity?
Maybe everything was going along too well, and subconciously I needed to add an element of the grotesque and sabotage the relationship. I don't fucking know.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif) depressed
Current Music: Violent Femmes-Why Do Birds Sing?
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February 9th, 2006
01:58 am - lately
I can't believe it, but this may be the first time I am posting because I am so HAPPY. Not just happy, happy is a fleeting mood and connotes a sense of temporary elation, but truly I'm content. I really think I've been struggling with depression for the past 5 years or so, after leaving Illinois, and have not had a very stable life since.
I haven't felt emotionally stable, or physically stable in any sense. I've struggled with negative relationships, an eating disorder, low self-esteem, excessive drinking, and a few other behaviors I am not too proud of. I switched schools twice now, have changed majors three times, and have had more than my share of destructive romantic relationships. I always thought that I was the one who was inviting the dramatic relationship with its ebb and flow of intensity. I always blamed myself for being emotionally unstable. I have come to realize that while yes, I have been emotionally unstable, it is largely in part because those who I pursued relationships with were extremely unstable in just about every regard. This in turn led me to become unstable as I was tossed around in the tumultous waves of their emotions.
I thought I would never be ready for a serious relationship, but after meeting Katelyn, its become clear that all along what I wanted was a stable serious relationship. I don't want the relationship based on pure physical pleasure, I don't want the relationship based on filling a void/need/role, I don't want the dependency of another placed upon me. I want a smart, beautiful, independent woman that I can argue and disagree with, but still kiss goodnight. I want a girl who doesnt NEED me, but wants me around anyways. I want a girl who is better than me, inspires me, and understands me. Its all so clear to me now that I can't imagine why I didn't see this in the first place. Perhaps I did, but low self-esteem and depression made me settle for whatever was readily available.
Katelyn, I don't know if you will ever read this. Some day if we are still together years down the road I'll show this to you and you can laugh at what an awkward dork I am, but even if we are not together I need to thank you for giving me more self confidence and direction in the past three weeks than anyone has given me in the past five years of my life.
Current Music: Postal Service-Such Great Heights
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November 10th, 2005
11:06 pm - this weekend
She's gone, and I will be too. I'm drinking myself into a coma that I hope I will never come out of.
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10:46 pm - i think its over?
This one made it about a month. I don't know what I did. No calls for two days, she's obviously annoyed last I talked to her. Awkward goodnight kiss. The signs and stars are aligned, its over. I fucking had hope this time. What did Paul say? Hope doesn't disappoint? BULLSHIT. Hope does disappoint and god does it fucking hurt when it does. I haven't been this into a girl since I moved to Michigan, almost four years ago. I don't think I will ever let myself get this into a girl again. Superficial relationships don't hurt when they end. When you are actually into, or maybe even in (not in a sexual sense you perverted fucks) someone I don't think there are words adequate to describe this feeling. Horrible uncertainty. Just fucking call me and do it already! I'm gonna cry, you're not so why the fuck do you care anyways? Its not going to hurt you any. Tell me its over! The wait is killing me. The knifes in, and now you're just twisting it as slowly as possible. Pull it out and let me bleed already.
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October 24th, 2005
01:06 am
I can't say I have ever fallen so hard for a girl in my life. I'm head over heels, as corny and cliched as that sounds, I finally understand what it means. I didn't think it was possible outside of cheesey Meg Ryan movies, but here I am sitting up late at night, my heart beating a mile a minute and my mind rehearsing what I will say when I call her. I'm just afraid I will blow it--maybe I'm over eager? What if I'm not liberal enough? What if she thinks I'm shallow? Never been so nervous for a girl, never so afraid I would blow it. I'm not sure I would ever find another like her, its been 23 years and I haven't found one before her, and I don't think I would care to wait another 23 years to find a second chance. Brown hair, brown eyes, loves Flannery O'Connor and the Decemberists. Hates British lit, loves American lit, understood me when I used the word "vernacular". Don't blow it Jon.
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June 21st, 2004
11:01 pm
For whatever reason I decided to put in Petsounds today whilst driving home from work. Maybe it was the cold chill of the rain. I was floored by this track, and how much I feel it applies to my life at this time...
That's Not Me/Petsounds/Beachboys
I had to prove that I could make it alone now but that's not me
I wanted to show how independent I'd grown now but that's not me
I could try to be big in the eyes of the world
What matters to me is what I could be to just one girl
I'm a little bit scared 'cause I haven't been home in a long time
You needed my love and I know that I left at the wrong time
My folks when I wrote them told 'em what I was up to said that's not me
I went through all kinds of changes took a look at myself and said that's not me
I miss my pad and the places I've known
And every night as I lay there alone I would dream
I once had a dream so I packed up and split for the city
I soon found out that my lonely life wasn't so pretty
I'm glad I went now I'm that much more sure that we're ready
I once had a dream so I packed up and split for the city
I soon found out that my lonely life wasn't so pretty
You don't even have to substitute any words in there to make it apply to my situation... uncanny. I really still regret everything that happened this past year. Its kind of stupid to still be beating myself up about it, but regardless here I am doing it anyways. I guess I am just looking for a way to take it all back, or maybe trying to punish myself enough that I feel justice served. In either case, its stupid as neither goal could ever be accomplished.
On that note, I'm really glad Katie seems ok with me again. I was really nervous when Matt told me she was coming to the party at his house in May. It didn't help he didn't tell Katie that I was going to be there. I guess it was kind of funny in retrospect, but I think at the time it was maybe a bit stressful to us both. Regardless, things are pretty much ok now and that makes me very happy. Looking back I don't know why I didn't write about the party previously... I had been meaning to for awhile.
I think in my last LJ, I wrote about why I had decided to transfer to Calvin. I wasn't in much of a writing mood so perhaps it came off a bit short and sophmoric, and lacked some clarity and explanation. Allow me to clarify-
Why I'm Transferring
by Jonathan Seely
I have decided, after many long sleepless nights, to make the transfer to Calvin College. Why? Its time I stop thinking about myself, and what I want to do. I realized how self-centered it is for me to go to Baylor. Financially, its a burden to my parents. Going to Baylor, I have to pay for rent, meals, books, and tuition, with very little finanicial aid. Going to Calvin, I would live at home at first, and then perhaps move out, but most likely just stay at home. We also receive a discount on tuition, and meals would be at home. Not to mention the elimination of transportation costs, which in itself is in excess of $1200 annually.
I also realized I wasn't there for my future... rather I was almost really there to put off my future. I went there to get away from home and responsibility. It was good, but I've realized that it is time to really get serious about finishing school, and beginning a career. Going to Calvin, through the creation of a special major, I could be out in less than two years. At Baylor it would be another 3-4 at great expense.
Truthfully I also feel that the people I have met at Baylor aren't anywhere near the caliber of those I've met in Chicago or here in Michigan, generally speaking. There are a few at Baylor I will really miss, but I find the students to generally be incredibly closed minded, shallow kids with absolutely no worldview whatsoever. Its very depressing and disheartening, and just downright annoying. The level of ignorance among the majority of students there is truly staggering.
Baylor's future is also quite uncertain. We have a President who is only still in power by one vote, and could easily be removed by fall. We have a half complete science building, which we are greatly in debt for, we also have a defecit of over 1,000 students this fall, and a communications department that is horribly overworked and understaffed, leading me to believe that the head of the department will be leaving soon if the President isn't ousted first.
There you go kids, clarity.
Also, new poll on my subprofile!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/thinking.gif) contemplative
Current Music: Blues Traveler-The Heart Brings you Back
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June 14th, 2004
01:12 am - Been a LOOONG time...
So Katie Mac suggested that updating my Livejournal is a good summertime activity. I guess I stopped because there seemed to be this eerie correlation between Livejournal and weird crap that was happening... it didn't start until I got an LJ, and stopped after my last entry. So we'll see if more weirdness ensues.
-Tribute to Mandy
Anyways, my dog was put to sleep this week, which was really hard for me. She was almost 13 and had gotten ill very suddenly. She had cancer in her lungs, and it was horrible to see her suffer as much as she did. As a testament to her loving demeanor, on Tuesday, the day before we had to put her down, I was petting her, and though she couldn't stand, she still weakly licked my hand when I was done petting her. I still expect to see her at the door when I come home from work, or under the spare bed when I'm watching TV. I think a lot about how every single day she would stand at the door until I got home from school, or how much she loved going for walks, the last of which she took Monday, and despite her condition she plugged along and seemed to have a great time.
I also remember years ago, when I was wrestling Mark in the back yard, and Mandy thought he was hurting me, so she bared her teeth, raised her hackles and lept on Mark, tearing his glove and scratching up his face. This is the only time I ever saw her aggressive. I was always amazed at how sensitive and protective she was of me. Anytime I was sick and laying on the sofa, she would refuse to leave my side. She always protested us leaving and knew that suitcases meant she wouldn't see us for awhile, so she would start whining and moping around the house. At Christmas, she would get incredibly excited about opening presents, and would always open our presents for us, to the point where we had to start wrapping her presents to keep her occupied. For whatever reason there is nothing she love more than playing with wrapping paper.
One of the hardest parts was seeing my Dad as upset as he was. He regretted not treating her better than he did at times, and how mad he would get at her on occasion. He cried for two days about it, and I really had never seen him cry before. I just feel bad for him, because there is nothing you can do about regret when someone dies. He really did come through for her at the end though and I'm sure she felt that and appreciated it. I've never really had to deal with the death of someone quite like this... where it involved prolong suffering. Its terribly hard and I really hope I never have to deal with it again. But I'm getting choked up so enough on that.
-Stuff
Anyways things have been good lately for the most part. I am not really looking forward to going back to Baylor however. Being away from school gave me a lot of time to step back and look at it more objectively from an outside perspective. When I'm immersed in the school, I feel like I adapt to the enviroment to an extent, so you don't really know whats wrong with it until you look from the outside. Anyways, looking back over the year I came up with a lot of interesting observations.
1. The professors suck. In my time at COD, I had two of the greatest profs I have ever had in my life. Here, they were getting payed very little to teach kids who more often than not didn't want to learn and were going to COD just to go. However, William Leppert and Steven Schroeder were probably the two best professors I have ever had. For $500/qtr, vs. Baylor being around $26,000/yr. Even I can do the math on that one. The professors at Baylor lack any sense of dynamics and really just can't teach, and don't motivate anyone to learn. I think there is something wrong when a Geology professor curves his test OVER 30 POINTS just to get the class to a 76% average. Lately the administration has told professors they need to make their classes harder and get everyone below the standard 78% average since we are now trying to be "ivy league".
2. The kids suck. I've been down there for about 8 months, and I've met exactly no one that I really like a whole lot. There are people I drink with or see at parties, but no good friends. Contrast that to Michigan, where in the 8 months I was here I met people that I'm sure will be at my wedding. No one seems intrested in meeting anyone new. It always amazes me when I'm home here in MI, despite I hardly know some of these people I hang out with, they always recognize me and are glad to see me, like we're best friends. My friends in Chicago are still #1 as far as I'm concerned though :-)
3. Whats my major again? In four years, who knows what is going to happen to Baylor. Everything is up the in air. President Sloan is constantly spending more and more money while making drastic budget cuts (closed the only on campus computer store, and the only on campus Cashiers office, and gives faculty a monthly alottment of paper). He refuses to approve spending to hire adequate faculty for the Communications Department (my major) and Dr. Korpi is getting completely fed up by the antics, not to mention he is teaching 5 classes a semester now. So yeah who knows if my major will still exist in four years, and if Korpi will still be there then.
So after meeting with the Chair of Calvin's communications department I have decided to transfer to Calvin. Dr. Shcultze was pretty amazing, and after eating lunch with him he flat out told me my personality, why I wasn't doing well in school, and where I needed to be. And he was right on all accounts. I was pretty blown away. Basically he is going to make sure I get in, and I might come in on probation in which case he would take sole responsibility for my academic success and we would have a contract of some sorts that I have to go by. Probably would be good for me.
Sick of typing, more later, need sleep.
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May 5th, 2004
01:24 am - been a long time...
So much has happened that I don't know where to start. I think its completely over between me and Katie Mac, I'm not sure exactly what was there in the first place, but its gone whatever it was. My fault, of course. I've come to the realization life is about taking oppertunities and chances, and the only way to truly be immortal is to make yourself memorable and to touch as many lives as you can in a positive manner. I've become much more of an extrovert than I used to be, amazingly so, but I think I still need to do better. Did I mention I'm not a virgin anymore? I've made some big mistakes this semester and I've paid for them emotionally for sure, and lost a few good relationships along the way. Hurt a few people, broke some hearts. I have to do better.... right now for the first time in my entire life, there are people that hate me. And rightfully so.
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March 23rd, 2004
11:54 pm - whats do i do wrong?
Well like every other girl, Heather has gotten really wierd on me. I'm starting to think its something that I do, but I can't figure out what. I have a slew of similarly failed relationships, and truly no positive ones to point to. I am the common factor in all of them since obviously they were all with different girls. I think I was pushing myself to like Heather maybe a little to hard, to be fair, but I do actually like her. Subconciously though I think I may have been trying to get a fast replacement for Katie Mac but that was just stupid... I don't really think anyone could ever replace her, and certainly not anyone I have met as of yet.
We had a bit of a talk while I was drunk with Nick one night, and I just remember saying I may "love her as more than a friend". Whilst I was drunk at the moment... I really think thats true. Nothing has hurt me emotionally as much as when we weren't talking, and thats when I set out on my quest for the Katie replacement. It kind of proved to me that I CAN get a girl if I want, it wasn't all that hard, so I think I must just not have much of a desire to because I stil have feelings for Katie. Interesting...
Tired of writing already.
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Counting Crows-Long December
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March 16th, 2004
02:15 am - miscellaneous
I talked with Dave today about Heather, hoping he would assure me everything will be alright between us when she gets back from this "mission trip". Dave's reaction was as bad or worse than everyone elses. "She went with ANTIOCH? Woah. That sucks." Thanks, Dave. I'm not really mad at Dave or anyone else thats told me what to expect though, I mean its better than saying "don't worry it'll be fine" and then having my heartbroken when she returns, different than when she left me. I can only hope and pray that Heather is a strong enough and stable enough person to not be sucked in wholesale to the Antioch fold. Most of me feels that she is a strong and stable girl but the other part of me doesn't know her well enough to make that judgement, and is therefore very, very scared.
I wasn't really sure how much I truly like Heather, but this week of complete uncertainty has really shown me how much I care about her. The girls that have mattered this much to me are pretty far and few between. Actually with the apparent departure of Stephanie D. as a friend there is really only one other girl that I care about on this level.
Other than that, work today was long and a bit boring, but I managed to rock the shop with a $1,400 sale of two new bikes and a rack for them. There are few things in this world that really compare to the feeling of selling someone their first good bicycle, but y'all know I'm wierd like that.
Ever notice how all my entries come back to girls? I am such a freakin girl, but instead of writing about guys and how much they suck I write about girls. Wierd because most of my friends are girls. And I'm not gay. Huh.
*On a side note I totally cracked Walmart's Cheap DVD Scheme. I noticed their selection varies each week. This week, I figured out why. They coordinate the cheap DVD's (the $9.99 ones) with what is playing on TV. This week I watched High Fidelity and Batteries Not Included, since they were on for like 4 days straight. Low and behold, both movies show up on the rack at Walmart. Further research is needed but that would be a huge coincidence if wasn't a overt collusion of sorts.
Current Mood: apprehensive
Current Music: Smoking Popes-I Know You Love Me
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March 15th, 2004
03:02 am - Been awhile...
Well its really been awhile here since I've updated and I kind of have had a lot happen since my last entry. Not sure where to start so I guess I'll just take it from where I left off as much as I can.
In my last update I think I mentioned something about Lauren and Katie but that didn't really go anywhere. I didn't really expect it to, but I guess Lauren "sort of" has a boyfriend and like me is a huge flirt so you put the two of us together and its kind of a bad thing.
ANYWAYS... I met a great girl in tennis a few weeks ago that I have been seeing a fair amount of lately. Her name is Heather, and she's from Batavia, IL, which is about 40min north of where I used to live. She's kind of quiet and that concerns me a bit since I am a very open and talkative person, and tell anyone anything about myself. I think time will tell if she opens up a bit more, and I really hope she does. I think there is definately interest on both parts here. A good sign was going to a party where a bunch of her friends were, and her friend already knew who I was though we had never met. I am told this is a good sign, anyways, by a female confidant.
I'm worried though. Heather left this week to do a mission trip in Juarez, Mexico with a local Church that calls itself "Antioch". Antioch has a reputation for being extremely cultic in many regards, and using a lot of group psychology to produce certain results they like to attribute to God. My friend Matt very plainly told me Heather "will not come back the same", and proceeded to tell me about his experience in Juarez and how he felt obligated to break up with the girl he was seeing upon returning and become a missionary or something. Really I am worried sick this could happen with me and Heather. I sent Heather a text message shortly before she left in a last ditch effort to hopefully cement myself in her mind before she leaves. I know that sounds kind of stupid but I really am worried. I think I am worried because this is something that would not at all be atypical for me.
On the good news side, I think things between me and Katie Mac are good again. When we chat its pretty normal again so I'm really, really happy about that. It was difficult for me when Katie and I weren't talking so much, and I really missed being able to talk to her.
I've pretty much given up the hardcore party life, partly because it was getting old and was definately wearing on me, and partly because Heather is really straight edge. Whats cool is she doesn't care if people DO drink, or whatever, but she just doesn't participate. I don't drink when I am around her partly because I don't feel the need to, and partly because its easier for her if she's not the only one who's not drinking. Its cool though because I had completely forgotten how to have a good time without alcohol and I still have a really good time with her without drinking or doing anything stupid (the two seem to go together).
I don't know if I posted anything about this, but I had finally decided to change my major to CSS, which is Communications Specialist, but now, like everything else at Baylor, there was a HUGE controversy over the future of the communications department, specifically Telecom which is one of the focuses and most interesting parts of CSS. They assure us the department will continue to exist, but may become "more rhetoric based" which is pointless and stupid. I am getting really tired of the constant controversy and drama here, and its just adding more stress to an already difficult and stressful semester. If I can't get a communications degree I may as well just transfer out, again, and be stuck in college for the rest of my frickin' life.
On another note, I watched PCU again last night, and realized what I must do. I have to take advantage of college while I am here, have parties, break the rules and push the limits while I am here. Aaron Elkins was my Droz (Jeremy Pivens) who is a mentor figure for an incoming freshman. I don't know if Aaron realizes how important he was even though we could only hang out for a semester, since he graduated this winter. He showed me the ropes and taught me so much about how college works and how to work college that I hope I can do the same for some freshman sometime. Risks I've been taking lately have really paid off for me, and I never realized how easy an painless "stepping out of the box" really is.
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Braille feat. Locke-Cruise Around the World
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February 22nd, 2004
07:58 pm - Things are good!!!
Finally things are back to normal now. I went to lunch with Dave and his girlfriend Katie today, and it so happened that his girlfriend brought her very cute friend, Katie (ANOTHER one!). We seemed to get along well and it was decided we would all go out and play frisbee afterwards since today was a beautiful 74-degree Waco February day. Things only got better. Kate called to see what we were up to and came out with her friend Lauren, who is probably the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen in my entire life. We took lots a pictures goofing off climbing trees and blowing bubbles and what not, and played a few games of catch with the frisbee and Nerf football.
While we were playing in the big circle I noticed that Lauren kept looking at me and smiling, and she'd always choose to throw to me. Hmmm... then people started to drift off and and soon I realized Lauren and I were the only two still playing so we got to talking. Lauren seemed to exalt me as some kind of god for mountain biking and was, em, fascinated by my scars for some reason. Then she didn't believe I was 21 and came over and pretty much draped herself on me to get me to show some ID. We talked for almost an hour playing catch just back and forth, and it was really wierd because I had this girlfriend/boyfriend vibe there, and I think she definately did too judging from the looks I was getting and the way she was acting.
I think I could see some possibilities here... she just seemed so into anything I was saying... its been a long time since I've felt like that about anyone truthfully. What pisses me off is we kinda said "OK time to go" and before I realized it Lauren jumped in Kates car and they took off. I at least wanted to drop a more personal "good bye" or maybe even get a number. Oh well I am sure I'll see her around again before long. All in all today was a good day just hanging out with Dave and the girls.
Dave's birthday is tomorrow so late tonite I anticipate I will go to Walmart to purchase ribbon and lipstick to em decorate Dave's car :-D
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) chipper
Current Music: Violent Femmes-Kiss Off
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February 20th, 2004
08:56 pm - Gettin' there.
Well things have been going better over here on my end lately. Katie J. and I patched things up and we're pretty good friends these days. Stayed up in the library until 3am studying history last night, which really payed off on today's test. I can tell she still really likes me, but I'm not sure how I feel about her. She's nice but I can already see some definate personal/idealogical conflicts.
I haven't talked to Katie M. in awhile, so I dont know whats up with that. Its pretty square since I know she got what I sent her for Valentines day. I would expect she would have the decency to say thank you, but whatever. Actually its downright rude. She has very little ground to be cross with me on to begin with, and I go out of my way to send her something I think is really cool that she'll enjoy and she doesn't go out of her way at all to at least say thanks. Its not like I send a CD to every girl I meet.
This whole thing with Katie J. might not have been such a bad event after all... I realized this week how much I was limiting myself because of my feelings for Katie M. I gotta be realistic... we live 1200mi apart, even when I'm home we're still 3hrs apart at best, so its just not gonna happen. I think its time to move on. To who? I don't know. I'm 21, in college with a 60/40 girl/guy ratio, with girls that were ranked #3 nationwide by Playboy this summer. Its time I get out and play the field a bit I think. I always used to think there was something wrong with wanting a relationship you know won't ultimately work out, but now I realized you learn a lot from any relationship you have, and it ultimately prepares you for those further down the road that lead to more serious relationships.
"I don't wanna be a lone man anymore, its been a year or two since I was out on the floor, shakin' booty makin' sweet love all the night, its time I got back to the good life, its time I got back, its time I got back, and I don't even know how I got off the track."
Current Music: Weezer-The Good Life
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February 17th, 2004
01:09 am - it continues
I don't feel any better today. Maybe even worse yet. I think I got about 2hrs of sleep last night, which is about on par with my week's average thus far. I feel like I'm slowly dying. Whats really wierd is all the sudden I am in total denial that anything happened. Its like a third person dream (more aptly deemed a nightmare, perhaps) and truly seems surreal. Its so out of character for me. This whole semester I haven't been myself at all. I saw Gay Chris today, he did a pretty good job of snubbing me. I don't know whats going on at all.
Fuck it I'm out.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Blues Traveler-The Mountains Win Again
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February 15th, 2004
09:23 pm
Everyone I know hates me now. Not that I really can blame them. No one will even talk to me anymore. I fucked up BIG this time.
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09:15 pm
Butterfly
Yesterday I went outside
With my momma's mason jar
Caught a lovely Butterfly
When I woke up today
And looked in on my fairy pet
She had withered all away
No more sighing in her breast
I'm sorry for what I did
I did what my body told me to
I didn't mean to do you harm
But everytime I pin down what I think I want
it slips away - the ghost slips away
I smell you on my hand for days
I can't wash away your scent
if I'm a dog then you're a bitch
I guess you're as real as me
maybe I can live with that
maybe I need fantasy
a life of chasing Butterfly
I told you I would return
When the robin makes his nest
but I ain't never comin' back
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Weezer/Pinkerton, 1996
I think thats all I need to post today. What more is there to say about how much I've fucked up. I wish there were a term stronger than fucked up but sadly there isn't.
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12:02 am - Fuck.
I don't know what the hell is going on. Everytime I go out to a party lately, things just getted fucked up. This was by far the worse. Worse than mistaking Chris for a girl that morning... words can't even describe how much I hate, despise myself.
I was at a party with Katie W., enjoying a cheap Budwieser. And another cheap Bud... and another... and on about beer #4 this girl in fishnets and Converse All Stars comes up to me and starts talking to me about the fruit in her drink. I think she was mystified as to why there was a chunk of pineapple in her drink. In any case we talked briefly and she walked off. Soon after she came back and started talking to me, and then suggested I follow her outside, which I did. As we stood under the eve of the apartment with the rain/snow falling around us, Katie J. then told me she thinks I am "really attractive". Maybe it was because no one else had ever told me that, maybe its because I was horny and lonely on Valentines day, maybe it was because it was Friday the 13th, or maybe it was just because I am a fucking idiot, but I kissed Katie J.
We then came back to my apartment and Katie spent the night. I'll spare those reading this the details but let's leave it at "not much sleeping went on". I won't lie and say I didn't enjoy it, and I feel that Katie did too, but it was wrong. Everything about it was wrong. I still don't even know Katie's last name, I'm really not attracted to her very mch, and I hardly know her at all. Through the night it became more and more obvious how much she likes me with things she wispered as we lay there. As morning came I realized what I had done and what this meant I would have to do.
I am still in disbelief, agony over everything that happened. I hate people that toy with others emotions, and here I am, that same fucking bastard I hate so much. Because of me Katie J's more jaded that she was before and I'm no better than any of those guys that hit a girl and ditch her. I don't know why it is that I can't go out and have a good time anymore without creating some huge drama. Its not what I am looking for, and nothing that has happened in the past four weeks is anything like what is expected of me... none of this is something I would have ever imagined happening in my lifetime.
Would you believe I have a "reputation" now? Jonathan Seely, the kid with the cleanest past and no skeletons in my closest now has a reputation. I'm the kid that got on some girl and then broke her heart, that woke up with a gay kid, bumped and ground on about seven girls in a night... I don't know whats going on. Maybe I'm not the good kid I always though I really was?
Back to the KJ incident though. What really hurts me about it is the fact I hurt Katie J., and I'm pretty sure I hurt Katie M. too. I'm such a goddamn asshole. Probably Katie W. too since I ditched her at the party with another girl. Katie W. and Katie J. know everyone I know, so hey if I didn't screw myself over enough already, my reputation is completely destroyed among my limited circle of friends. I feel like no matter what despite the best of my intentions everything goes wrong. Its not like I go to parties to have some crazy adventure and wind up in bizarre, awkward situations. I've succeeded in hurting the few girls I know and succeeded in firmly establishing my identity as a complete dick.
Someone just fucking shoot me and get it over with.
Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: Johnny Cash-Hurt
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February 11th, 2004
10:41 pm - bleh.
Well I have had a fun evening of battling roaches, again. Found the infestation was in our water-heater closet, which has an access panel in my closet, great. So everything I moved, roaches ran out. Quick thinking led me to buy roach traps, roach spray and tape up the panel around the edges. I called our CL but it will be a month before anyone comes, if anyone comes at all. Its been at least a month since I reported most of our locks don't work, including the one outside thats "guarding" about $300 worth of my stuff. My new singlespeed commuter bike is in there completely unprotected, but its either that or lock it to the post and let it get rained on all the time. Oh well, in a few months time I will be living at a NICE apartment on the 2nd floor so that means NO roaches and I will have indoor storage that LOCKS. But again, I digress.
School's been going ok this semester. I got a 69% on my first Economics test with 0 studying, so I think if I try a bit harder next time I can pull a solid C/B. Its been really cold and rainy today, not a nice day at all. Tomorrow's high is 44 which isn't much better, but supposedly no more rain! Woohoo. Just wish I had a bike to enjoy the weather though. Right now my Kona XC race bike its completely disassembled--most parts have found their way onto my singlespeed commuter. Now my options are to get a new bike or completely overhaul/upgrade the Kona. I don't feel I have the money for either option but I do need a bike to bash around at Cameron Park here.
This just in: Katie is sending me some sort of surprise. I'm stoked, but she won't dish on it at all.
My brain's completely dead... I don't know what else to write. The creativity has escaped me tonite, so no eloquent waxing tonight folks. Sorry.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/angry.gif) annoyed
Current Music: Radiohead-OK Computer
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01:25 am - Where to start?
Wow... I don't know where to even start. My life is at such a radically different point than it was three years ago, that its truely mind blowing. How many people can say they have lived in three states within three years? What is really odd is that I have three completely seperate sets of friends. The Chicago friends, Michigan friends and now my Baylor friends. Its pretty wierd. Its almost overwhelming, as I can only give attention to one group of friends adequately without over-extending myself. But I digress.
Well I currently don't have a major, I am working as a bicycle mechanic at the only bike shop in Waco, and still haven't met any girls that I am really interested in. Theres a few that I would date, but its like Weezer says "why bother? Its gonna hurt me. Its gonna kill when you desert me. This happened to me twice before, it won't happen to me anymore!"
I guess its frustrating because I still compare girls to Katie back in Chicago and she is probably the only girl I have ever met (to this point) that I felt I had a deeper connection with on some level. Anyone that knows me knows that I will not meet a girl at a party and go out with her... I'm just too shy and too reserved. I did exactly that with Katie though... something was different there so I actually asked Matt about her and got ahold of her thanks to him. And we went out, and we actually had fun and I didn't feel frustrated with her like I had with every other girl I had ever gone out with. So long story short, now that I know what that feels like, thats what I am looking for again, and I am just not finding that same feeling with anyone around here.
There are plenty of girls I could date, I am sure of it, but why? I know what I want and what I am looking for, and they just aren't it, so why bother? I'm not looking for a sexually based relationship or a one night stand--anyone that knows me can tell you that. It doesn't help the girls at Baylor generally speaking are dumber than rocks, which is a huge turn-off for me. I have to be on par from an intellectual standpoint with whomever I am dating. I have to be able to say something abstract about God, or bring up a topic from the headlines, and have a meaningful discussion where I can feel that my partner can grasp what I am saying and appreciate my viewpoint (of course I appreciate theirs as well). I don't need a girl thats giggling all the time and starts every sentence with "Ohmygodoksolike".
Katie this is for you if you read this:
Across the Sea/Weezer/Pinkerton
You are 18 year old girl who live in small city of Japan
and you heard me on the radio about one year ago
and you're wanting to know all about me and my hobbies
my favorite food and my birthday
Why are you so far away from me?
I need help and you're way across the seaI could never touch you - I think it would be wrong
But I've got your letter and you've got my song
They don't make stationery like this where I'm from - so fragile, so refined
So I sniff and I lick your envelope and fall to little pieces every time
I wonder what clothes you wear to school; I wonder how you decorate your room
I wonder how you touch yourself and curse myself for being across the sea
At 10 I shaved my head and tried to be a monk
I thought the older women would like me if I did
You see, ma, I'm a good little boy
It's all your fault, momma, it's all your fault
goddamn, this business is really lame
I gotta live on an island to find the juice
So you send me your love from all around the world
As if I could live on words and dreams and a million screams
oh, how I need a hand in mine to feel.
I hope it doesn't creep you (Katie) out that I still like you that much, but well I guess I do. I realized it when I put Pinkerton in for the first time in almost a year about a month ago as I was driving down from IL and my first thought when I heard this song was that I know exactly how Rivers Cuomo felt when he wrote this song.
Well its 2am and I have no freakin' idea where my Polysci book is and I have a quiz tomorrow. Great! Wonderful! Oh well. Might as well at least get some sleep I reckon.
Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Weezer-Across the Sea
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